My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
