sarcasm needs its own font
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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