love makes seman taste better
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
