I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
