I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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