I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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