i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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