Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
