Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
