Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
