A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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