The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
