Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
