I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
