she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize