Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
