I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
