you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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