Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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