Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
