I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
