Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
