Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
