I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
