I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize