I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
