hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
