WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
