I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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