You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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