the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im holly from the hills drunk
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
