Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
