Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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