There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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