gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
