Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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