you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
