So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
