Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize