My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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