so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
