Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
