Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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