i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
