So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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