Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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