legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
