I think my vagina is haunted
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
