u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
how do flat chested girls get laid?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
