My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
