So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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