even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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