So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
