What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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