Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
